The Gentleman's Guide to Suicide
Let's face it, thousands of people kill themselves everyday. Many are guilt-ridden, trapped in an unloving relationship, or have become overwhelmed by the futility of life. While we fully understand the need to put an end to things, there is simply no excuse for being impolite.
True gentlemen know that it takes careful planning to ensure that your special day is pulled off with just the right mixture of class, manners, and courtesy. We've compiled some essential advice to ensure that your suicide will be remembered for its refined execution. Remember to keep these words of wisdom in your mind at all times: "Suicide isn't about me, it's about everyone but me".
Chapter 1: Preparation
Find someone exactly like you
Going out with a
sense of class
The second most common complaint about suicides is that people miss the person that dies. For this reason, the first part of your preparation should include finding and befriending someone exactly like you, and then introducing him or her to all your friends. Be sure to teach this person all your classic catchphrases and memorable stories, and if everything goes well, your friends should barely notice your absence.
Timing is everything
Why make people grieve twice? If you plan your suicide for a day usually associated with mourning (9/11, Memorial Day), family and friends can get all their grieving done at once. This also has the bonus of leading everyone to believe that your friends and family are particularly sensitive to others' tragedies.
Avoid dangerous situations
Now that you have your date all set, it is even more important than usual to make sure that you do not die prematurely. Use your seatbelt when driving, quit smoking, and open all cans with an automatic can opener.
Take care of Uncle Sam
A true gentleman doesn't shirk his civic responsibility when it becomes inconvenient. We recommend pre-paying the estimated amount of taxes you would have paid over your entire life - if you would have lived it. If like most suicide victims you are already an accountant, this part should be easy.
Open pistachio nuts
Everybody knows it's a hassle, so why not use your remaining time on earth to make everyone's life a little better. Focus on the red variety, as their trademark stain is the most irksome.
Tell all of your friends that they are your best friend, but not to tell anyone else
This should be done in your final days. Explain to each friend that they are your best friend, but make them promise to keep it to themselves so as to not hurt anyone's feelings. Instead of feeling sad while gazing at your corpse during the funeral, all your friends will feel sad and special.
Chapter 2: Presentation
Dress as a clown
Lighten the mood
It's important to lighten the mood as much as possible in order to limit the level of sadness and trauma laid upon those who find your body. Dressing up in an outfit associated with pure happiness will provide this lighthearted buffer. Who can resist laughing at a dead clown?
Use the bathroom
Someone is going to have to take care of that last meal of yours, so do it yourself. It is common knowledge that once you die your body empties all of its digested materials. A gentleman of the highest order would get a full colon cleansing, but this is not socially mandatory.
Tape all photo IDs and a vial of fresh blood to your body
Make it as easy as possible for the medical team to have an official identification of your body. This is especially important if you choose to die away from home or using a method that destroys your face.
Do not take a last breath
Ignore those who say it's logically impossible and resist the urge to take a last breath. There is no need to waste more oxygen than necessary and your aerobically respirating brethren will appreciate your gesture.
Nail yourself to a cross
Although this is going above the minimum standards of etiquette, it is highly recommended because of the slight possibility that you were actually the messiah. This method was proven to be very successful for at least one of our readers.
Chapter 3: The Letter
Get down all of your thoughts and organize them clearly in an outline before writing your final copy. Last wishes and "shout-outs" to friends should be later in the letter, after an explanation for why your suicide is occurring. A disorganized, sloppy letter will likely be scorned by the town after it's printed in the local newspaper, as well as mocked by smart-ass high school students.
Use a word processor and a printer
A master of her craft
Nothing is worse than a handwritten suicide note that leaves your intentions unclear and your ability to write in serious question. There is a big difference between how a reader will interpret "I love you" and how they will interpret "ilale gov."
Use the royal 'we'
You can talk about your future afterlife all you want, but remember to give the proper respect to your dead relatives and pets. Talk about what 'we' will be doing once you get to heaven, which may include walking on clouds, talking to your respective deity and playing holy bingo.
Provide cliff notes
Most of your friends will only be interested in whether or not they were mentioned at all. Providing a copy of your letter in Cliffs Notes style will allow all those who want the meat without the wordiness a quick way to scan over your thoughts. In suicides where a cliff is used, the friendlier name of "abridged version" can be used, unless of course your suicide involves both a bridge and cliff, in which case it is in very poor taste to write a condensed version at all.
As you now understand, committing a well-planned, highly respectable suicide takes a lot of thought and deliberation. However, we realize that even the most carefully made plans can become undone and drastic measures must be taken. The last resort you may wish to consider, if all else fails, is to alienate everyone around you. Constantly prod them with a pointy branch and mock everything they do. Any further resistance to them hating you should be met with you lacing the food of everyone you know with arsenic. Eventually, this will prevent your friends and family from caring about your demise at all, and will probably lead to a celebration after your death. However, we can't stress enough that this should be used only as a last resort, since it involves being very discourteous to many people during the remaining year of your life. If you carefully follow the instructions and pointers laid out in this guide, you should be able to enjoy a pleasant suicide.
EDITOR'S NOTE: One helpful reader has informed us that lacing his friends' and loved ones' food with arsenic caused them all to die almost instantly. While the reader still wound up killing himself, the multiple acts of murder were supremely discourteous. The author of this article was under the impression that arsenic causes people to laugh uncontrollably to the point of it becoming painful, and did not realize that it was actually an extremely lethal poison. We regret this mistake and urge people to instead resort to additional prodding and mocking.