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Immediocracy

Let's get right down to it. Our fast-paced society demands a fast-paced government, but the current system is too tangled in political bickering to deal with the important issues. The very whims of our culture that define us as the greatest in the world - such as wanting free music and hassle-free divorces - are completely shut out. Therefore, we must enact a government that frees us from the shackles of debate inherent in our floundering democracy.

Such freedom comes in the form of a new, superior type of government known as immediocracy. Taken from the English word "immediate", immediocracy is the quickest form of government ever seriously considered. And while some authors would pause and waste precious time outlining a historical perspective of the main concept, this author, in the spirit of immediocracy, will do no such thing.

The logic is simple. Who hasn't taken a multiple choice exam and agonized for minutes, considering as many as 5 (!) choices, only to switch to the wrong answer at the last second? You probably regretted not going with your first instinct. Well, immediocracy is designed so that government always goes with its first instinct. The days of politicians flip-flopping their positions will be long gone, as they won't even have time to consider alternatives. Seemingly impossible issues become simple. For example, abortion: Pro-choice? Choice is good. Pro-life? Life is also good. Everything is easier when you clear away the obstructive details.

Unlike a typical U.S. presidential election, say the 2000 election, it would not take four weeks and a Supreme Court decision to name a president under immediocracy. At random times determined by a computer, ranging from 14 minutes to 415 years, a new election is announced; those interested in running would have to decide instantly. Instead of voting, we would quickly poll a statistically insignificant portion of the country before they wasted time learning the candidates' positions. The person with the highest percentage becomes president, effective immediately. Campaigns and debates will go the way of the beaver pelt, useless and forgotten even when looking back at the times when they were used.

Immediocracy's legislative process systematically prevents tarrying, dilly-dallying and most importantly, dawdling. The president would appoint an official policy questioner (immediately) who would direct policy questions to the president during the 9-5 work day. "What should the waiting period be on gun purchases? How many people should be allowed in a 10-foot by 10-foot room? Who should we put in charge of quelling the uprising?" are all sample questions that could pop up on a normal day. The president must decide within five seconds (as judged by the nonpartisan timekeeper, or clock) and his word becomes the law of the land. Isn't it beautiful? No more boring Congressional debates on C-SPAN, no more cheap partisan jabs, and certainly no more Rep. Tom Delay. Not to mention Sen. Richard Thirdslowest, who is notorious for changing his name despite consistently coming in last during Congressional speed competitions.

The most popular argument against immediocracy (also the longest, slowest, and stupidest argument) is that its inherent speed is somehow a flaw. Opponents claim that no one can make a rational decision about matters of national importance in merely five seconds. Wrong. Simple logic puts this issue to rest. Since the president would be getting no information, he would, by default, be getting no bad information. When someone is immune from receiving bad information, it follows that his decisions must be good. Case closed.

Another argument (the 2nd slowest, longest and stupidest) is that the president could turn against the country that elected him and quickly grab dictatorial power. Wrong again. The president is bound by the supreme law of immediocracy, which forbids the president, or any citizen for that matter, from thinking about any decision for more than five seconds. Plan the take over of America in five seconds, right now. Exactly. No person can craft a plan of national domination in under five seconds, so it would be impossible for this doomsday scenario to arise. In fact, if the president is found to have been thinking about anything for more than five seconds, he would be impeached at a leisurely and/or casual pace (just kidding, immediately) and cast into a pit of vicious donkeys or elephants, depending on his political party.

Sweeping away special interests, bludgeoning partisanship, and unrestrained awesome speed are the products of a healthy immediocracy. Imagine: one person churning out decisions every five seconds that change the country, using only first instinct. Within a few minutes the federal tax could be slashed, the budget balanced, and knuckle sandwiches could become official currency. The Capitol Building would finally be converted into the headquarters of NOW, whom our gut tells us must be behind our cause. This, my friends, is the promise of immediocracy.

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