MORE WORDS: Gentleman's Guide to Suicide | Immediocracy | Advanced Sarcasm

Erotic Short Stories

We had a candlelit dinner with a few bottles of merlot. Afterwards, I took her to my place where I had earlier placed the finest red rose pedals upon my bed. I suavely undressed her while she undressed me -- 'cooperative disrobing' I cleverly called it and she giggled. Slowly we began foreplay and after 30 minutes I prepared to insert myself; I could feel she was ready for it. After trying her ear, nose, and belly button my lady partner grew frustrated and I was forced to admit I did not know where her vagina was actually located. She left abruptly and I never heard from her again or learned the whereabouts of her particular vagina.

I stood strong, tall and naked in the doorway. Like a leaf in the breeze, she quivered in the shadow of such a powerful, masculine figure. She immediately tried to pounce on me, as a jaguar might attack a muscular antelope. But I knew it would be more exciting to postpone our pleasure. I threw her to the ground and told her she had been a very bad girl. I took the nearest metal folding chair and broke it over her back, howling that bad girls deserved to be punished. We raged on through the night. Realizing that breaking character would ruin the moment, I spat in the casket at her funeral 5 days later and subsequently piledrived her mother.

I moved the Queen to C6, thus completing the "Didn't-Think-I'd-Go-There, Eh?" Counter Gambit. She had lost yet another game of Strip Chess. I was up 4-0, and now both of her socks and shoes were removed. Unfortunately, eight hours had passed and I was beginning to lose my erection. I reluctantly explained the circumstances and she understood.

Luckily, two months later we met again and this time after 41 hours she was down to bra and panties. However, right when things were getting good, she broke down in tears and admitted she was purposely losing the games -- making sure to play well enough that it didn't look obvious. I never felt so betrayed, and I told her I'd never play strip chess with her again. So we played regular chess for a while and then fucked, before eventually losing my erection a second time. Why me? I then realized what I thought was my penis was actually one of my dog's squeaky toys, which also explained the noises it was making. So I let my dog have sex with her while I tried to fix the squeaky toy so it would stay inflated. Strangely enough he used the missionary position, but he insisted that any position he used was technically doggy style.

The very next day, I lost to my dog in strip chess, and lied to him that I lost on purpose to conceal my embarrassment. He said he'd never play strip chess with me again, so we played regular chess and then fucked. It was okay, but I was still a little miffed that he thought he was using doggy style just because he was a dog. If a French man makes onion soup without bread and cheese, is it still french onion soup? He would not yield to reason, so we broke up. The next day I played strip chess against myself and cried for hours after realizing I was purposely trying to lose so I would take off my clothes. I'll never play strip chess again.

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